IRRATATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES …. OR how he plans to collect my insurance policy …. A WORKING TITLE …..

Its almost eight months now since my husband rear-ended a car in front of us. The airbag prematurely deployed and broke both bones ….. in half …. in my right forearm. SO, there I was …. The Martha Stewart of PA … with a broken hand/arm 2 weeks before Christmas! Picture this: instead of Rockefeller Center it was Dan an Roseanne Conner’s hovel! I wasn’t happy BUT ….. Did I blame him? … Did I scream at him for this unnecessary grief …. Did I put arsenic in his chocolate chip cookies? … that I still made by the way …. NO …. I was THE model of constraint! That is until yesterday ………….
THE PRELUDE ……. Since the accident, if I’m in the car with him, I admit I have been critical of his driving …. slow down! …. You just rolled through that stop sign ….. you are following too close …. You just cut that guy off …. You are driving in the middle of the road …. Oh, its not like any of this is new. He has been driving this way since I met him …. I just never said anything! Two days ago he was literally a couple of feet away from having the passenger side hit ….. I was the passenger and YES we have side air bags …… all so he could cut in front of a car and be first.
THE INTERLUDE ….. Yesterday, he cut across a yellow line … there were 3 lanes on the other side, 2 turning one straight ….. just beside a car going the OPPOSITE direction …. Who was probably thinking what an ASSHOLE …… ALL so he could make a left turn into McDonald’s. Since I almost got killed for a BIG MAC, I could not let it go and said: “Look at this! Now he is crossing double yellow lines!”. He lost it! He started screaming at me that I had to stop it! He turned out of McDonald’s and started speeding home. At the first red light he stopped. I got out of the car ….. I did not care how far I was from home …. Or the fact I had thongs on, ouch! …. or how busy the road was, I’d show him I was the master of my own destiny and my next broken limbs! He sped off. Oh, he did come back for me but, in true “drama Queen” style I would not get back in the car. That’s right …. on a busy suburban residential street we had a screaming match as he drove by trying to get me in … fun times! I finally got in … NOTE to self: Do not try to walk 2 miles in thongs ….. the ride home was chilly and it wasn’t the AC!
THE FINALTUDE ….. If you invite us anywhere make sure there is enough parking for our TWO cars. I’m flying solo from now on!

DO BEARS EAT THEIR YOUNG?

WHAAAAT?!?!? I think the real story here is not the fact they got RE-engaged. They’re young and they’re obviously stupid …. as the oh-so- true saying goes ….. Bristol seemed to have it more together than her “Baby Daddy” with her "abstinence" .... how's that going for ya by the way .... message tour and all. So how does a girl … she is still 19 …. with a seemly bright future of 15 more minutes of fame ahead of her, get re-engaged to her unemployed High School drop-out dated Kathy Griffin .... no offense to Kathy ..... who told the world her mother referred to her infant brother as “my retarded baby” EX-flame? Well, like I said in the beginning young and stupid isn’t the real story. The real story is how do you inform your self described “grizzly bear” … or is it a moose? Its some Alaskan animal she's hunted down … of a mother, you are marrying this guy? Why you announce it in OK magazine of course!!! UH DUH!

THE WEEKEND WRAP-UP

Ho Hum … I haven't written anything all week …… what to write about, what to write about …. I could snark about Lindsay’s jail sentence ... Tee hee hee hee … okay done! …. Tell you how sweltering I am in this heat wave ….. drip drip drip ………. Re-hash the latest on the exploits of Casey Anthony ... I can't wait till that trial starts and the state of Florida fries your ass. I knew there were reasons to like Florida! ..... I could bitch about everything BP should be doing … Oh yes that reminds me :

Text: “wildlife” to 20222.

I could talk about work …. Let’s see

Tuesday, 1 a-hole contractor told my inspector (who was asking the contractor why he did not show up to begin his work that day) he had a gun in his car and he hasn’t used it for a while ….. he is forbidden on site now.

Wednesday, I got a called from a irate urbanite commuter demanding that I close down my road project immediately and reopen all lanes because it is making him late for work ….. Aaahhhh its called protecting MY road crews and the general public from morons like you who neglected to plan ahead and …oh I don’t know …. leave earlier!

Friday, MY consultant (who works for me!!!!!) asked me to take meeting notes … seriously in my male congested profession there are some who still think I’m the F’ing secretary …….. AND you thought I was going to get all technical on my work rant didn’t you?

HAPPY 4TH TO ALL MY FELLOW SUBJECTS ......

Happy Independence Day! Okay, so we found out this week Thomas Jefferson made a little itsy bitsy mistake on one of the famous icons of freedom ..… it happens! But before ya get your patriotic drum a strummin’ tomorrow, let’s talk what REALLY took place in the summer of 1776 ….. WARNING: Reading further you about to have another American myth blow out of the water! I'm a stickler (i.e, nit-picker, annoying, control freak) for the facts, that’s why I’m here …… The Second Continental Congress actually voted to declare independence on July 2nd, 1776 … that’s right you should have had that day off, eaten that burnt hot dog and watched fireworks yesterday …….

Even John Adams wrote to his wife on July 3, 1776:

“The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.” See Wikipedia.

On July 4th, the final wording of the Declaration of Independence document was approved and sent off to the printer. A carefully hand written version was produced and the famous signing with John Hancock exclaiming: “There, I guess King George will be able to read that!” …. Ahh another myth for another day …….. most likely took place on August 2, 1776.

Ironically, the July 4th signing myth became so encroached in American folklore that John Adams and Thomas Jefferson in their later years forgot what day they signed it and believe the 4th. Maybe promoting the myth even more? They both died the same day: July 4th, 1826 .... the myth's 50th anniversary.