IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ...... OR THE MAN WHO SECRETLY WANTS TO JOIN A BEDOUIN NOMAD DESERT TRIBE

Welcome to the Equator …..  or as my family likes to call it HOME! With the advance of the cold weather season, my house has been progressively getting hotter. It started around October, …. a time of year for moderate temperatures across the rest of the northern hemisphere  …….  a time when the AC is officially done and the furnace has yet to be turned on. However,  in my household I found we were testing that furnace whenever possible for expected onslaught of  winter.

There were crisp Fall days when I came home from work and discovered the longer I was in the house the more I was sensing a “funny feeling” starting to well up.  Now when you’re over 50 and somewhat pre-menopausal, “funny feelings” stir nothing but self-induced panic thinking you’re about to have a heart attack.  So, you start self-medicating in case the paramedics don’t get there in time by quickly chewing an aspirin ….. Tip: I read if you chew the aspirin instead of just swallowing it gets the Heart attack preventive benefits into the blood stream quicker (and you thought this blog was just all snark!) ……..  and drinking a gallon of water in case it’s just dehydration …. Oh and running the vacuum, spraying the Fabreeze and loading the dishwasher cause you don’t the Paramedics to think you’re a pig  ……  With my head spinning and my neck and wrists still sweating for some reason I checked the thermostat  ……  it was on 73!!!!!!  73 !!!! It was only 65 outside !!! In Pennsylvania that’s balmy!  

The past four months in this house it has continued to be more of the same. I feel an ER visit and find the thermostat on 75 !!!!!  ….. with a record 78 being the highest I have found it on.  GOO? … oh he has retreated to the upstairs …. Where heat rises to …. before I get home each night to do his medical care and watch TV.  

A few nights ago, after being home for a few hours and having adjusted the thermostat to where usual mortals breathe and survive, I thought it safe to venture into the upstair roasting sanctuary to clean a few things before TV primetime  …... unfortunately it was a little too soon. In addition, to my ever running furnace while I am at work, unbeknownst to me there are also 2 space heaters …. 1 in my bedroom and 1 in the GOO office …….  doing overtime!  Usually as I am climbing the stairs, I normally feel a slight temperature adjustment but, this time it was a hemisphere adjustment.  In a matter of seconds it felt as though I went through some invisible space-time continuum from Siberia to the Amazon rainforest.  A few times, I had to shake my head as though I thought I saw a mirage of the heat waves rising from the ground of the Serengeti with Giraffes passing by.  I got as far as scrubbing the toilet and bathroom sink to where my pulse was racing and my forehead was starting to form droplets.  Breathing heavily, I announced to the GOO man ……  comfortably lounging on the bed watching the MYTV network …” I can’t take it anymore!!! I’m going downstairs!”.  I beelined for the thermostat as soon as my feet hit the hardwood in the downstairs entryway with mind telling me it must be time for the AC!!!  Cooler heads …. literally …. prevailed in the seconds from the staircase to the thermostat as my body felt instant relief in the 70 deg living room. In a state nearing an almost heat stroke however, I hit the thermostat button till it said 67! 

Upstairs nearing the equator where I was in the state of perpetual perspiration, I swear I thought I could hear the GOO say ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ... or the man who doesn't know the words to the "Twevle Days of Christmas" ... a working title

My husband  …. God Of Organization …… does nothing when it comes to putting up the Christmas decorations. It is all on me, even the outside lights ……. every other husband’s territory! Oh he will give his opinions ….. not enough lights on that side of the yard …… that looks stupid ….. I don’t like all white lights ….. is that all the lights you are putting up/ have? I tell him every year those who do not help with the decorations HAVE NO OPINION on what goes up …. The "putter-upper" is the decider.

We have a flat landscaped area in our yard that I use for main displays. In past years it has had giant candy canes, a lighted tree .... okay it was lights I strung up to look like a tree .... and lighted grapevine shaped gifts stacked with a bow. The recent gift display always blew over and were a pain in the ass to put together. I decided to donated them to Goodwill ….. I know how generous of me.  Now I had that empty place in the yard and went shopping for a new lighted display.

I hate those blow-up things so, once you eliminate those there isn’t much left out there. My preferred tastes are kind of more “Williamsburg”-ie. I was looking for "1776" and tasteful. Of course,  there is the lighted deer, Eiffel Tower … yes nothing says Christmas like a random French structure …. Snowmen and snowflakes. Then I saw these lighted geese …. Oh I didn’t buy them …… a little more comical than Colonial ….. but it gave me idea as I left the store humming “six geese a laying” …..

I went home to start my search for more real-life looking geese. When I got to my computer I Google’d “lifesize goose decoration” …... up popped DECOYS!!!! I could buy them sitting, standing, eating and of course laying! I ordered one that had detachable feet to stand or lay …. Perfect!

It arrived by FedEX about four days later. Goo thinking it maybe his Christmas present restrained himself from opening the box and announced to me when I got home from work that I had a delivery he left in the basement. Since I did not want any un-necessary comments on my new found prized decoration, I waited till Goo went upstairs to watch TV in bed. When I got my goose decoy out of the box, I was so excited I put him …. I assumed it’s a him … outside in the landscape with a spotlight under the cover of darkness.  I figured I would find a bow to put around his neck and some lighted branch accessories tomorrow.

The next day at work I got a text message from GOO ….. “Where did that goose come from?”. I responded that it was the item in the FedEX delivery. To which he responded ……. “Well, I thought it was REAL and I tried to chase it out of the yard! When it wouldn't move I got closer to it and saw it was fake! “   My co-workers heard shrieks of laughter coming from my office and I filled them in. However, after that no work was accomplished that day. 

The moral of this GOO Christmas tale is:  

GEESE NEED TO DO THEIR A-LAYING SOMEWHERE ELSE!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ....... OR THE MAN THAT THINKS I'M HIS GIRL FRIDAY .... a working title

It never fails .... almost every time I sit in front of the computer .... just to sit and read and respond to "fun" web sites and email instead of the email I handle at work all day like firing off  ..... the " you are in notice of noncompliance" moron!, ...... the "what exactly do you think you are gonna do on my construction site" moron!, ...... the "you did what?" moron!, ...... the "you want what? moron! ..... and my favorite .... the "why can't you boys quit acting like a bunch of girls and get along" morons!!!  .... sigh !  (please note: the "moron" part is not written, only merely implied. I am nothing but professional .... to the morons)  ....  such the life as a female construction manager! Then I come home to a new job!  That of GOO's Admin Assistant !!!!

While I'm at the computer doing my "fun" surfing,  I hear the orders ...... oh no I know I'm in trouble ......... from the "Boss" on the living room couch while watching .........
Old reruns of GUNSMOKE/THE RIFLEMAN/BONANZA/BIG VALLEY. "Hey, lookup" ...... 
How old this old actor is?

If this actor is alive?

If this actor is still working?

When this actor died?

THE NEWS HOUR. "Hey, lookup" ........

This person's obituary?

And see if I heard my old friend’s house was on fire maybe?

One of my ex-employees was on the 5 PM news. See what they did?

ADS AND DISCOVERY CHANNEL you become the TICKET OBTAINER & GENERAL FACT CHECKER. "Hey, lookup" ........

To see if we can get tickets for this concert ? …. as in Artist I never knew he liked or comedian I never heard of .... AND put it on MY credit card !

What is winning the grossest scene Poll on the "Walking Dead" site .... like I want to know that!!!

The lyrics to this song or when it came out or who sang it .... is there a game of "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" going on in the living room or are you the "phone a friend"? 

What time that store closes … also see if it tells you if they carry this random/weird item? ... next you are going to want me to go and get it ................. aren't you?

See if this is true urban legend or history trivia ? ..... really really ???

Have I mentioned my GOO is on disability and is home .... except for a few Dr appts during the week .... ALLLLLLLL day.

Apparently,  no one can get to the facts like I can!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES OR THE MAN THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP ALREADY!!! .... A WORKING TITLE

End of next month I have a big test for my engineering state licensing. I find very little time to actually study .... oh what about now? Can't you see I'm busy .... AND I need pretty close to total silence. I was never one of those who had to have a radio on blasting to study like so many of my peers.

Recently, I have been reading books on the "T" ..... local subway system to some ..... every once in while there are two obnoxious people behind me carrying on some nonsensical conversation just to hear themselves ..... and everyone else around them ...... talk about totally or disgustingly nothing! That would never be my GOO!

GOO is a man of few trivial words. He has no patience for silly conversations and will usually find a way to end them fast. However, our poor disabled little GOO man is home allll week by himself. When the weekend comes and I'm home, he keeps insisting we go somewhere, we do something ... spend money on garden gnomes .... breakfast, lunch, dinner .... even festivals ..... he never did a festival the whole time I've known him!!!

Last Saturday we were taking a long drive ... an hour there and an hour back .... TWO HOURS OF STUDYING I SAID TO MYSELF. I announced to GOO I would be doing just that. So, I brought my BIG book to the car and settled down to concentrate on Differential Equations and Logarithms. Suddenly .......  I hear a voice talking to me about inane subjects .... is that GOO? .... grass cutting, the house going up for sale across the street, what's for dinner ..... five minutes into the car ride and I had to remind him of my planned study time. Of course,  he got all indignant ... it wasn't like my study opportunity was a secret BEFORE we got in the car !!!!!! What did he think I was doing with the 10 lb, five inch thick book?

 OK so he's mad .... at least he is quiet. ...... BUT WAIT ... he turns up the radio .... I won't let it shake my concentration while I differentiate this equation ..... he starts singing with the song "Free Falling" .... to find the velocity and position of this imaginary particle of matter in a three dimensional system only knowing the acceleration  .... oh know he is harmonizing with Tom Petty on the chorus ....... of a gravitational system that obviously cannot be earth's and  ................  

SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!!

My book is on the floor but I can definitely say there was total silence.

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ...or the man that better find a job or a hobby or volunteer or an EVERYDAY senior golf league ... a working title

I'm pissed ..... "God Of Organization" is behind it all ... It has been a hot week and I'm the first to admit I can't do all the things out in the sun like I used to! MY PLAN TO GET IT ALL DONE? Do a little at a time everyday when I get home from work:

Sunday - PM -Bring up boxes from basement and put on deck for weed/bush trimmings. Unwrap100 feet of hose and leave to re-water tender seedling plants before I leave for work in the AM.
Monday - Go out at 6 AM to water plants. Where's the hose? Wound up?? ..... who the hell!?!?!?! Have to leave for work, water when I get home. Get home PM, water wilted plants. I'll trim some of the overgrown gardenia bush. Where's the boxes?!?!?!?!? What do you mean it was recycle day?
Tuesday - Unwind woundup 100 feet of hose to water little plants that have perked up a bit. Good  ... There is still a chance for them in this heat.
Wednesday - Oh look boxes but it raining! Good thing, I see the hose is wound up again.
Thursday - GOO sabotages diet but MAKING me ..... yes making me....  go out to a restaurant for dinner! Come home from restaurant unwind 100 feet of hose. Daddy is calling and wants me to come over to do his rent rebate ... ho hum....  the bushes will have to wait.
Friday  - Get home from work, go get boxes from basement. Why are they in the basement if I'm trying to use them .... that's what I'm asking!!!! Hey .... Where's the hose I unwound this morning????
Saturday - AM doing my PE test application and Daddy's final Rebate form .... both have to be postmarked today! PM have to go to a SPIDEY-RIFFIC Party. Too hot to do anything but unwind 100 foot hose and water what's left of plants.
Sunday - Water plants in the AM, plant backup seedling AND PULL WEEDS/CUT BUSHES AND PUT THEM IN SOME OF THE BOXES  .... finally a good yard day!!!!
Monday - AM running late will have to water wilting seedling when I get home BUT the hose is unwound and up by the plants ready to go!!!! PM find that chipmunks have ransacked seedling bed .... of course the hose is no where to be seen and the boxes that WERE on the deck for the bushes I was going to trim this evening .... where else?  ..... in the basement!

It's gonna take more than a hose to put me out!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ..... or the old creepy guy in the neighborhood w/ the lawn ornaments ... a working title

It is official my G.O.O. is one of them! By one of them I mean an old person who is obsessed with obtaining more yard ….. errrrr … art. It happened slowly ….. almost so I didn’t even notice …… I guess I have to take some of the blame. 15 years ago when Angels were popular, I bought six small garden angels. They all were doing something different … playing the harp, French horn, sitting, standing .. . you get the idea. They were only about six inches tall. You could barely notice them peeking from behind the Hydrangea bushes. Most of them broke over the years and I bought 2 more to peer from the hostas. G.O.O.  …. who barely if ever even steps into the yard …. called them the “creepy angels”.  I'm also guilty of buying some solar lights for around the fire pit that stay with my ethereal theme but, that 's all I swear!

A few years ago when he went on his disability …. kidney issues …. he decided he would be spending more time smelling the roses sitting in yard. Of course, he needed  the soothing sounds of a fountain to accomplish his vision of garden serenity. Not just any fountain would do …. We shopped around the whole summer …. finally he chose/bought a fountain. From there on every time we go near a garden department he was starting to shop for ‘Gnome” statuary and tacky yard balls  ….. he would put it in the cart I would take it out …..  HE GOT ONE PAST ME! SO, there he is my .... FIRST??? ...  yard gnome! 

He stares at me through my kitchen window. Ho hum …. It could have been worse. G.O.O. really wanted to make a homage to his favorite TV show … The Walking Dead …. kinda of like this ………

Now he is talking more gnomes, solar fountains and ponds.  I don’t how he is gonna see it all from the living room couch in the air-conditioned house! I need to hide this picture before he gets anymore creative  ideas ……

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ...... or the husband who won't use Tupperware .... a working title!

VS.

THE God Of Organization .... G.O.O. for short ... and chief inspector of health around here, refuses to learn how to use the Tupperware. Before I married him I owned almost every storage container Tupperware made. I'm now a Ziploc goddess but I kept the one thing no one else could make like Tupperware .... THE LETTUCE KEEPER!!! It really really really works in keeping the lettuce fresh. However, I can't convince my GOO to ever use it. Wha? ... brown and wilty not appetizing?

Ah well, since I'm into the phytonutrients now so, I don't eat iceberg anymore anyways .... happy eating GOO!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ...... or the husband who still believes in the Easter Bunny .... a working title!

Easter came early this year ..... Oldest daughter came home Sunday (Mon Tues Wed) to visit for the holiday ..... she has to work on the actual day ..... so, back she goes ..... sniff

GOO still believes his 20-something daughters are 5. He still buys them candy. He still gets out their baskets and fills them. He still hides the baskets and makes the girls look for them. He hid one for me this year too. I guess two young woman scouring the house for chocolate isn't enough. It's much more entertaining when you add a pre-menopausal one in on the chocolate treasure hunt too!

IRRITAGING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ……. Or THE FAST way BACK TO THE FUTURE ...a working title

Its time for a GOO tale. I’ve been saving this because I never write angry … yeah right.

A few weekends back we picked up Daddy and thought we would take him to Breakfast …. Hint hint bros and sis ….. On the way we drove through the County Park. We drive through this park at least once a week. On the main road of the park is a roundabout of sorts. Once GOO pulled out of his intersecting street and halfway thru the circle he spied a snow pile and then …. SUDDENLY .... he time warped in to a revelation he was 10 years old again!

There he was with head full of brown hair and adolescent disobedience. A 10 year old, with more athletic talent beyond his hero’s ….. Willie Stargell. All this combined with his shiny KIA sled with 4 new expensive rubber bumpers he saved up for. With ardent ambition to show-off and impress the pretty little blonde hair girl next door, he swooshed his sled across the Bering curve in the road, swiftly avoiding the obstacles of the other “sledders” and crashed into the enormous snow pile only to

… KER-KLUUUUNK!!!

It was 2012 again !!! Wait … The pretty little blonde is .... uuummmm ….. matured but .... not looking to happy. “What was that?” the boy from the past said. Blondie replied,”I think you hit the CURB!” ….. “you MORON” she said in her head. Daddy in the car remember? …………………….

A few minutes down the road the car passengers hear THIIIISSSSUMP BUUUMP BUUMP BUMP BUUMP BUUMP The kid all grown-up says “What is that?”. Blondie replied,”I think you have a FLAT!” ….. “You absolute MORON … plus a few other things ”, she said in her head. DADDY!!! ……

From a cold and frigid, "closed on Sundays", neighborhood strip mall parking lot the blonde girl SUDDENLY is whisked into the future by 2 hours and finds herself home with the man who just put a slice in the side of her $200 tire. She was feeling all the decades of bitch!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND (the GOO man) DOES Or the lengths GOO will go to win a game …a working title ….

Last night turned into an unplanned “Family Game Night”. Youngest stayed in because her car had a flat tire. Ironically, the second one within our family inside a week ….. our mechanic guy now loves us ….. ALSO FODDER FOR A FUTURE GOO TALE!!! SO, there we are in front of the fire, figuring out what game we should all play. Youngest goes to the game closet and picks out “SCRABBLE”. Her and I are on board with: “OMG, have not played that in years!!” GOO grumbles. WHY? GOO is best at competition and can beat any of us in a game of chance, coordination or athletic ability but, when it comes to the thinking games he realizes I’m supreme. He refuses to play me a game of Trivial Pursuit even though I have about four versions of the game with a ½” of dust cover in same game closet.

As we all know “SCRABBLE”, is a game where smarts can win out … however not when you have FIVE ‘A’s on your easel. The momentum swung back to chance and was all GOO’s. Even with that my GOO still traveled on a low road of self-produced “words” and real word challenges.

• With me now down to FOUR ‘A’s he challenged my “SAX”. Even though I knew it would be in the dictionary I changed it to “SEX”. Still had to keep FOUR ‘A’s though.
• When he put down “JAX” on a double word score, I looked at daughter to back me up on a challenge … she wasn’t sure and we let it go.
• When “KRUD” hit the board on a triple word score daughter and knew we needed the dictionary on hand. Sorry GOO …. it was a no go. Then he tried “GRON” same spot …. Bizzzzzzzzzz …. strike TWO …. guess who had the ‘A’ he needed.
• He then challenged my triple letter “TRODE” … maybe next time GOO I still have 3 ‘A’s.
• Next GOO turn: “XXXXX”, (daughter and I forgot and GOO won’t Tell us) …. Get it off the board we said.
• He then challenged another word of mine … sorry GOOO and then my 2 word build-off of “LAVA” into “LAVAS”. Daughter could not back me up on the plural. FYI - it is a word!!!!
• GOO tries to strike back with a 2 word build-off of his own with “DR” in the mix. Seriously, did he think we were asleep by then.

In the end, FIVE “A”s and a “JAX” finished my superior reign as queen of the “SCRABBLE” board. Wait till next time GOO ….. I’m getting that 20lb dictionary out of the bookcase first.

IRRITAGING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ……. Or THE ways NOT to use to sway your wife into watching the same TV Shows ...a working title

My husband …. the God Of Organization … GOO for short … has an obsession with a newer hit TV show called “The Walking Dead” ….. AND he wants me to watch it too!! He keeps trying to give me the low down on the episodes. I don’t need to hear about the “BARN” OR how the “Walking Dead” surrounded some “heroes” into a corner and now they are flesh eating zombies OR how people do desperate things to survive: a.k.a., the episode where 2 “heroes” running away from a pack of Walking Dead and one “hero” shoots the other “hero” in the leg so he can get away …. WTF???? I don’t want that vision in my head! This show sounds suspiciously like “Night of the Living Dead” only in soap opera form. I’ve seen “Night of the Living Dead” once .... and never again ... in my life …. mostly from behind a pillow …. even then I caught a glimpse of a ghoul eating someone’s intestines ….. how sick is that???? …. I still have that vision in my head from 30 years ago!

Other than the classics, I cannot do the modern horror “entertainment” concept. “The Walking Dead” is the NO. 1 show on cable. Obviously, there is a good part of the populous that enjoys this entertainment. I cannot join them. Too much suspense?? Blood and gore?? …. putting myself in the actors place and imagine myself in that situation for real ?? Some kind of mystical power being hunting me down for supper???? … and if you finally kill the thing that is trying to eat you ….. IT COMES BACK …. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA …… if not at the end of the movie then in parts II, III, IV, V, VI VII …… it never dies … there is no hope …. I must have hope at the end!!!

GOO doesn’t get it … he thinks I also forgot how he tricked me twice into going to see the movies “Poltergeist” & “Creep Show” when we were dating ….. never again … I’m on to him !!!!!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES with my stuff ...the working title..

The God of Organization (or G.O.O.) drives me up a wall every pay day. We … unlike many married couples I am surprised to find ….. do NOT share a checking account. We each have our own in which our respected pay checks are directly deposited to. We do share the household expenses. He pays his assigned bills, I pay mine. There are some “unexpected” expenses he takes care of and he puts the money in the savings account so, I pitch in a little cash on pay day. AND I MEAN PAY DAY! I think he believes if he does get it out of me fast he won’t see it at all ……. Geeze, you would think I was going on a trip without him …hmmm …..well I guess he does know me!

If I don't run to the bank and withdraw the cash for him to hold on to, he badgers me and then I have to tell him to STFU till I do. His answer to this martial strife: give him my bank card and he’ll take it out. SO, he has taken the liberty of removing my debit card and “helping himself”. The last 2 pay days he did just that but, guess what he forgot? TO PUT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I pay everything with my debit card …. I mean EVERYTHING! So for two weekends I have been standing at a check-out in a ditsy blonde, heart thumping, pressure rising, emptying my purse on register counter panic. Last Saturday I drove home to get my debit card sitting on the entertainment center while my groceries were de-thawing in a closed grocery aisle …. Why was the card there? ….. Oh it was so I could take the card and check my check register …… this is when I “gently” .... as in gentle as a riled tiger .... explained that is what the little white slip under the card was for …. Let me introduce you G.O.O. its called the receipt!!!!!!! My card is in another place in my purse.

IRRATATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES …. OR how he plans to collect my insurance policy …. A WORKING TITLE …..

Its almost eight months now since my husband rear-ended a car in front of us. The airbag prematurely deployed and broke both bones ….. in half …. in my right forearm. SO, there I was …. The Martha Stewart of PA … with a broken hand/arm 2 weeks before Christmas! Picture this: instead of Rockefeller Center it was Dan an Roseanne Conner’s hovel! I wasn’t happy BUT ….. Did I blame him? … Did I scream at him for this unnecessary grief …. Did I put arsenic in his chocolate chip cookies? … that I still made by the way …. NO …. I was THE model of constraint! That is until yesterday ………….
THE PRELUDE ……. Since the accident, if I’m in the car with him, I admit I have been critical of his driving …. slow down! …. You just rolled through that stop sign ….. you are following too close …. You just cut that guy off …. You are driving in the middle of the road …. Oh, its not like any of this is new. He has been driving this way since I met him …. I just never said anything! Two days ago he was literally a couple of feet away from having the passenger side hit ….. I was the passenger and YES we have side air bags …… all so he could cut in front of a car and be first.
THE INTERLUDE ….. Yesterday, he cut across a yellow line … there were 3 lanes on the other side, 2 turning one straight ….. just beside a car going the OPPOSITE direction …. Who was probably thinking what an ASSHOLE …… ALL so he could make a left turn into McDonald’s. Since I almost got killed for a BIG MAC, I could not let it go and said: “Look at this! Now he is crossing double yellow lines!”. He lost it! He started screaming at me that I had to stop it! He turned out of McDonald’s and started speeding home. At the first red light he stopped. I got out of the car ….. I did not care how far I was from home …. Or the fact I had thongs on, ouch! …. or how busy the road was, I’d show him I was the master of my own destiny and my next broken limbs! He sped off. Oh, he did come back for me but, in true “drama Queen” style I would not get back in the car. That’s right …. on a busy suburban residential street we had a screaming match as he drove by trying to get me in … fun times! I finally got in … NOTE to self: Do not try to walk 2 miles in thongs ….. the ride home was chilly and it wasn’t the AC!
THE FINALTUDE ….. If you invite us anywhere make sure there is enough parking for our TWO cars. I’m flying solo from now on!

STUPIO "IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBANO OoES!" .... a working title

Can you tell? My 4th letter of the alphabet key is broken. Guess by who?

Now I am going to have to try & type wor .... ahh .... errr ...... sentences without that letter. This will be interesting ....... Two weeks ago the GO or LOR ...okay the MASTER of Organization spills water into the thing with the keys, knows it will not work & was trying to fool everyone by not warning them .... trying to make us think we broke it .... However, the towel for your phalanges from my bathroom, beneath the key thingy is what gave me the tip off! So, he fesses up & we go key thingy shopping the next afternoon.

First, he tries to get me to pay for it .... its a little game he likes to play at the cash register to see who gets out the money first. He unfortunately won this time ....... I chose the item & walkie' out the entrance of the store to the car not wanting to play. Tonight he shows me the "4th letter of the alphabet" key & says "FIX". I say , "Why, I'm taking it back. We just bought it." Master of Organization tells me we can't ... he threw away the receipt!!!!!!! WTF?????? Master has receipts from the house painting from like 8 years ago. He has the receipt from the washer & thingy that blows air on your clothes "set" we bought 6 years ago, the receipt from when we bought the computer 3 years ago, etc .... you get the picture ... but he throws away a receipt from something he buys 2 weeks ago?!?!?!?

I know how to get even! I'll tell him about the $250.00 purse I bought tonight. Afterall, I'm not saving money for computer accessories.

little petty "IRRATATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES"…. a working title

I grew up with a dishwasher in my childhood home. My husband never did. SO, I tell “Fred Flintstone” …. he’ll go back to “God Of Organization” (G.O.O.) later …. even Wilma had a Wooly Mammoth that high pressure hosed down the dishes. You can say when I married him (G.O.O) I was dragged back to beyond the Ice Age … based on the Wooly Mammoth sighting in Wilma’s kitchen!

For years he gave me the same sad excuse … from some stored away book of excuses on Mt Olympus probably …… as to why we could not install a dishwasher in our present kitchen. My favorite?: “We’re moving.” …this is another rant for another time ….. so why put more money into a house we are leaving? 10 plus years later … you guess it …. I’m still here.

3 years ago I decided since “We’re moving” a dishwasher would actually be a selling point. Without any more discussions with G.O.O. I bought the dishwasher and hired the people to install it. He wasn’t happy and thus the real reason came forth … he saw no need for a dishwasher. And the battle began. He won’t use it!!!!!!!!!! He would rather wash the dishes by hand and dry them gulp! with a towel …. I don’t what it dried before hand either, yuck ... yuck .... yuck ……. He has actually taken dirty dishes that I put in, out of the dishwasher and washed them. I have been reduced to sneaking the dishes into my appliance and turning it on before I leave for work in the morning, all so he doesn't try to do them while I'm gone.

I thought I had a good pile of dishes this morning but he rushed in and washed them! He is a sick man!

"Irritating Crap My Husband DOES!" ...the working title..

If you have not heard of it, there is a Twitter account called: “Sh*t My Dad Says”. The owner of the account, Justin Halpern, only tweets …. well …uh … shit his dad says! A simple yet novel idea ….. soooo novel Justin, now has a book and a TV series pilot in the making.

Not that I’m trying for a book and a TV pilot I’m just …. aaahh ... ummm… borrowing the concept .... yea that's it ...that's what I'll tell his lawyers when they call .... I’ve been thinking of adding an occasional commentary based on the Halpern twitter, to my own blog. Originally, I was going to go with “Trash My Daughter Talks” but I’ve shifted my focus on “Irritating Crap My Husband DOES!” …….the working title …… I may use the “Daughter” stuff at a later date.

Since I have gone back to work, my husband has been trying to “help” out …. even though he did not when I was working before ….. with the house work. SIGH! I don’t wanna be a beeotch about it but he is rousing me into a diatribe fest. HE actually is “Mr. Neat Nik”, "Mr. Organization", "Mr. Everything Put Back In Place" ….. way more so than me. BUT then he has the added talents of "Mr. Delegate", "Mr. I’m in Charge Now", "Mr. List", "Mr. Reminder" …. Mr. PAIN!

First case in point: I can live in a scattered mess as long as the surfaces (carpets, hardwood floors, furniture, etc) underneath them are clean/sanitized/washed/dust mite/dog fur FREE! My “scattered” system works for me …… I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS! For some reason the “God of Organization” (as hubby shall be known as) can’t believe that. He feels that it is muuuuuuch better to take everything and put it in 1 BIG PILE. Better yet, take that pile and put it somewhere else … like a drawer or in a place I would never EVER EVER EVER look! Let me tell you … ONE big pile does NOT work in the “scatter system”! He is really F’ing up my things to do/ filing system!