NEVER MIND THE KID ... WHAT IS THE BRIDE WEARING?

Did you see this news story today?  Here is the video LINK.

The ring bearer faints and is lying at this bride's feet with his legs twitching  as if he was convulsing ..... this Bride-zilla ....... nor the clueless looking groom ........ doesn't even so much as flinch. Her (their) only acknowledgement is lowering her eyes to the floor as you see in the pic.

The news agencies picking up on this story mention the bride's disgusted look at the poor kid sprawled on the floor, who was inquiring if the rings are okay. Never mind HER disgusted look, what about mine while thinking, "What is this chick wearing?" . Talk about discount bridal and that head piece .....  is that not from the Michael's bridal aisle meant for a flower girl? ..... What gave it away? ...... it doesn't even fit her head let alone this CENTURY! And her hair .... Honeeeey .... did you just get out of the shower and didn't give yourself ample time to at least blow dry!

Oooooooooo ... well ...  what should one expect when you get married in a venue where plastic plants went to die .... liturally ...........   this bride has more ribbing to come I'm sure !!!!!!

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY .....

If ever I get around to building that house I’ve been dreaming of for years, I plan to incorporate a regal Master suite so awe-inspiringly virtuosic that people who visit shall be so “jealuss”!  And in contemporary terms, what would a proper MASTER bath be without a jetted tub! Yeeeees …. My luxury bubble making machine would have cream colored terrazzo covering the platform for me to sit on as I slide effortlessly in and out of my spa. The tub will be also niched into a custom boxed bay, walled in with nothing but windows ….. I haven’t quite figured out how the neighbors won’t see me yet, I’m working on it! ……… I shall fill it every evening with warm …. No  …no … hot as I can stand it water and soak my worries away ………………… aaaaahhhhhh!!!

Snap snap snap …….. sorry I’m back! I been researching the jetted tub and sometimes stay at places just because there is THAT tub. I don’t know about you but, I haven’t quite gotten to the Nirvana I described above when I’m in one. First off,  there is the jets …… Yes I’m bitching about the jets that make it bubbly …… every time I try to back into one for that lower back “massage”, I end up giving myself an unneeded enema! Then there is the weird configuration …… that are sculpted to match the curves of your body ….. after I get past the unwelcomed water intrusion, I get uncomfortable in those "ergonomic" seats and just end up floating around in the middle away from them. Most of the tubs do not reheat the water so it is only hot for like 10 minutes after you waited 30 to fill it !!! Don’t even get me started on what I found out about the mold and bacteria making their homes inside the jets if not properly cleaned. YUuuuuCKKKK ... you dont want to know!!!

So, now, I’m back to basics. I just want a nice big old-fashioned soaking tub … with a heater of course! I’m thinking of this style :

Pretty basic uuuhhh? ……………….. I’m so over the Jacuzzi ……

I WANNA GO THERE .........

THERE is the island of Santorini in Greece  ...... other than this breathtaking view I have no idea what is there!  When I see travel photos of Greece it is always either of the Parthenon or this. So overlooking this blue Aegean Lagoon must be the highlight of a .... future? .... Grecian Adventure ...... speaking of adventure that little ship in the left corner reminds me a little of "Jason and the Argonauts" ......... Santorini also appears to be a favorite stop of Mediterranean Cruise ships but I just can't bring myself to do that cruise thing  .... to many germies and close quarters for me. Lets see .... lets see ...... how else could I get there ...... Ah! there are flights from Athens. Athens is only 10 hours away from Pennsylvania or there is a ferry from Piraues ....uh .... where the hell is that?  .... oh! it is part of Athens .... why don't they just say ferry is from Athens!?!?!? ......    How long is the ferry ride? .... 10 hours! ..... of course! .....  getting to a place I want to see is never easy!

As I sit in my house battling the GOO for thermostat control, knowing it is a windchill factor of 8 deg outside ....... I dream of sunnier places to see someday.

IT IS AWARDS SEASON AFTER ALL .........

I love an award show and here we are in the midst of when most of them take place. I think I shall start an award of my own this week!  There are accolades to be given so let me introduce "THE MOST OBNOXIOUS  AWARD" .  This week we have a true "winner" who deserves every measure of our disgust. Let me introduce Mr. Jooooooe Riccccckey Huddddley. Hold your applause folks, this guy deserves none!

Hudley, age 60, up until a few days ago would have probably retired as the President of an airplane parts manufacturer with a large pension. Now, not only is he unemployed but he is charged in Federal court with simple assault .... on a toddler!  Yes this is THAT guy.

If you have not heard of incident ..... Mr. Hudley boarded a plane to Atlanta ..... and sat coach? What president of a Company sits coach? ...... next to a Caucasian women with her adopted 19-month old bi-racial child.  Apparently, that bother Mr. Hudley from the beginning as he was reported to be complaining that the child was "too big" to be seated on her lap  .... could be I've seen some big 2 yr olds ...... Throughout the flight he visual appeared to be somewhat intoxicated and became more belligerent to where the mother was feeling uncomfortable as it was. After having to put up with him for the nearly 2 hour flight finally, the plane started the descent to land. However, the toddler started to cry due to what the mother assumed to be painful ear pressure from the attitude change. As she tried to comfort and quite him,  Hudley reeking of alcohol told her to shut that (N-word) baby up! The surprised mother look at him and said, "What did you say?" The drunken Hudley literally fell on to her face as he said in her ear the offensive sentence again. She pushed him away and started to call for assistance and at some point during the shuffle Hudley then slapped her crying toddler so hard to where the boy's face was bleeding. Passengers came to her rescue.

What has Joe Rickey Hudley done since then ....... besides losing his cushy job?  ....... Well, he has not been offering any apologies. Instead, he has his lawyer spouting off that he will be pleading "not guilty" as "things are not as they are reported" and "no one should rush to judgement". Hmmmmmm ..... tooo bad there are witnesses JOE.

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ...... OR THE MAN WHO SECRETLY WANTS TO JOIN A BEDOUIN NOMAD DESERT TRIBE

Welcome to the Equator …..  or as my family likes to call it HOME! With the advance of the cold weather season, my house has been progressively getting hotter. It started around October, …. a time of year for moderate temperatures across the rest of the northern hemisphere  …….  a time when the AC is officially done and the furnace has yet to be turned on. However,  in my household I found we were testing that furnace whenever possible for expected onslaught of  winter.

There were crisp Fall days when I came home from work and discovered the longer I was in the house the more I was sensing a “funny feeling” starting to well up.  Now when you’re over 50 and somewhat pre-menopausal, “funny feelings” stir nothing but self-induced panic thinking you’re about to have a heart attack.  So, you start self-medicating in case the paramedics don’t get there in time by quickly chewing an aspirin ….. Tip: I read if you chew the aspirin instead of just swallowing it gets the Heart attack preventive benefits into the blood stream quicker (and you thought this blog was just all snark!) ……..  and drinking a gallon of water in case it’s just dehydration …. Oh and running the vacuum, spraying the Fabreeze and loading the dishwasher cause you don’t the Paramedics to think you’re a pig  ……  With my head spinning and my neck and wrists still sweating for some reason I checked the thermostat  ……  it was on 73!!!!!!  73 !!!! It was only 65 outside !!! In Pennsylvania that’s balmy!  

The past four months in this house it has continued to be more of the same. I feel an ER visit and find the thermostat on 75 !!!!!  ….. with a record 78 being the highest I have found it on.  GOO? … oh he has retreated to the upstairs …. Where heat rises to …. before I get home each night to do his medical care and watch TV.  

A few nights ago, after being home for a few hours and having adjusted the thermostat to where usual mortals breathe and survive, I thought it safe to venture into the upstair roasting sanctuary to clean a few things before TV primetime  …... unfortunately it was a little too soon. In addition, to my ever running furnace while I am at work, unbeknownst to me there are also 2 space heaters …. 1 in my bedroom and 1 in the GOO office …….  doing overtime!  Usually as I am climbing the stairs, I normally feel a slight temperature adjustment but, this time it was a hemisphere adjustment.  In a matter of seconds it felt as though I went through some invisible space-time continuum from Siberia to the Amazon rainforest.  A few times, I had to shake my head as though I thought I saw a mirage of the heat waves rising from the ground of the Serengeti with Giraffes passing by.  I got as far as scrubbing the toilet and bathroom sink to where my pulse was racing and my forehead was starting to form droplets.  Breathing heavily, I announced to the GOO man ……  comfortably lounging on the bed watching the MYTV network …” I can’t take it anymore!!! I’m going downstairs!”.  I beelined for the thermostat as soon as my feet hit the hardwood in the downstairs entryway with mind telling me it must be time for the AC!!!  Cooler heads …. literally …. prevailed in the seconds from the staircase to the thermostat as my body felt instant relief in the 70 deg living room. In a state nearing an almost heat stroke however, I hit the thermostat button till it said 67! 

Upstairs nearing the equator where I was in the state of perpetual perspiration, I swear I thought I could hear the GOO say ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

This is the new 59

Christie Brinkley is 59 today .... yes 59! That is a picture of her from last year. She doesn't exactly look like any 59 year old from around my neck of the woods! Of course, having a few hundred million in the bank and all the time in the world to concentrate on yourself all day probably doesn't hurt to achieve this glowing look.  Now I know she has had to have something  done but it has to have been something not too drastic because she still looks like herself at like what ..... 30-ish???  Not like the scary alien faces of the barely recognizable Meg Ryan, Priscilla Presley and Joan Van Ark. Eeeeh .....  This Hollywood!

Most normal ladies in our 50's approach a point in our lives where we are less ... hmmmm .... what is the term  ... vain? ... no that's not the word ..... hopeless?  ... no I don't think that is quite it .... desperate?  ......  maybe some of us but no that doesn't fit .... oh wait it is the  .... "Could give a SH!T" ........ Thank God I now know there is hope when you try.

SNIFF !

I’m home sick today ….. THIRD illness in the last 2 months … ugh it needs to go away!  It is really the fault of people and people like me. You know the “dedicated” ones that go to work when they are sick!

It started with one of the other engineer’s in the office trying to negotiate closeouts with meetings …. Probably with other sickies ……. before the unspoken “holiday break” ….. I swear NO ONE works in Construction from mid-December to the beginning of January  ……   She was in the office coughing, snotting, barely able to even speak AND she looked absolutely horrible. There was no hiding her sickie sign indicators. By Friday, I was dizzy, sore throat and feverish late afternoon so I had allll weekend  …..  the week before Christmas yet  ….. to stay home on the couch to recover.

Finally, I went on my “Christmas break” ….   Otherwise known as using up all my left over vacation days I purposely saved so I could take off the last 2 weeks of the year ………. I thought I was safe from all the office germs BUT, I was wrong. Daughters were out there working Christmas retail jobs coming into contact with … yes you guessed it …..  sickies who came out to shop and infect the rest of the population!  By New Year’s Eve my nose would only stop running with the help of a box of tissues shoved up it. SIDE NOTE: GOO had that cold spray you spritz in your mouth that is supposed to ward off the onset of the cold. Daughters tried it and it worked! Me …. Not so much ……

On my return to the office January 2nd,  I was getting the “Why don’t you go home?” looks. I just came back from vacation dam it! …. I'm gonna stay here for a little while. However, the anonymous placement of the “Hazard” tape across my office door finally made me realize I was not wanted. So I went home Thursday afternoon not to return till Monday.

I've been doing good the last 2 weeks and then it happen ……. I could hear it from the other office: the undeniable sounds of another sickie. Yes, now it was my boss turn and of course he was working half days last week. Apparently he had a theory that if you only work half days you do not contaminate as many of your co-workers, hmmmmm ....... maybe I’ll only be half as sick!!!

'CATCHING' UP WITH MY URBAN DICTIONARY

"CATFISH" ....... "CATFISH" -ING  ....... "CATFISH"- ED ...... hmmmmmmm .... NOT the homely mustached creature I'm used to ...... loooking ..... searching ..... googling ........ What does this have to do with this Notre Dame football player   ... Manti Te'o ?????  OK!!!  ..... found it was a movie title where the plot line is a guy who has an online relationship with a woman in another state, who turns out not to be the person she said she was. Like allllll online relationships!  ....... Ohhhhhhh, poooooooor poooooor little Manti! What a tragedy  .... what a cruelty .... what a ...... Waaaaaaait a minute ...... 

Grown man, STAR football player probably with cheerleaders probably hangin' off every arm,  falls for a girl on the internet and continues a relationship  ..... "Love of his life" style ..... with her ONLINE and never ever meets her, never went to see her when she was in the "car accident" ..... although I don't know when this happen ..... never jetted in to see her during her "fight" with Leukemia ..... played a football game the day she "died" never hopped the other  jet to go to her funeral ... grave site ..... or What? didn't he even try to send flowers?  ....... Now he is claiming hoax victim?!!!??!?

I hear there is new word being added to the Urban Dictionary this week ...... "Te'oing" ...... its where you photo yourself in a pose with a picture of your imaginary "miles between us" love of your life and show it around with a frowny face and heavy heart ...... sighs included! 

THE HYPOCRITE'S GUIDE TO HEALTHY

What would a New Year be without RESOLUTIONS?  Resolutions made and intended to shape THE self into a perfected person.  Or are your Resolutions just a complacent smoke screen made just to appear  you are trying to improve but you think you have already achieved perfection! ……  If only I had that self-indulgent yet …. confident security!  I don’t  …….  so here is my list :

1. Lose Weight …….. I actually kept this one last year, lost 22 lbs and kept it off. Well, I haven’t exactly weighed myself in the last 2 weeks SOOOOO …
   
   
2. Finish my kitchen …. My kitchen has been in the state of remodel for 4 years. The major components are done ….. dishwasher, countertops, cabinet refinishing …. But the backsplashes and trims have been hanging. I hope to finish before its time to remodel the remodel.
3. Take my State PE exam …. I have been supposed to take it for the last 3 years. However, it is the testing agencies fault ..... Hmph Hmph ....... that they wanted more info on one of my bosses. I just have to start fighting them to take the test in April.
4. Study for the April test.
5. Don’t create anymore self- improvement projects till you are done with 1 thru 4.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Just as I thought .... we are alllll still here to celebrate another year!

Today is the 8th Day of Christmas ..... see I have pictured THE Maids <------ font="font">AAAAAHHHHHH!

I heard a curious thing today about the 5,000 year old Mayan calendar that caused such a ruckus the last few years. The Mayans did not have Leap years. So that means:

 5,000 years / 4 Leap year cycles = 1,250 days.

1,250 days / 365 average year = 3 years, 155 days

Counting back comes to July 20th, 2009 as the actual date of doom.  

We are still here.

MERRY YULETIDE TO ALL !!

If you are one of "those" who get their Holy Nights in an uproar over the "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" then I feel terrible for you the misinformed Conditioned Christian. Yes, we Christians have adopted this time of year as the birth of the Lord. Did you realized this time of year the celebration is held is kind of ... well ... errr ... stolen?

No one truly knows the exact date of Christ's birth however, as the early leaders of a Christian religion trying to convert the Pagans, combining winter celebrations seemed to be a good concession in enticing new church members.  

Through the centuries the words of Yuletide season somehow transformed into the 12 days of Christmas. (Christmas through the Epiphany)   One Christian holiday to another  .... so in essence it is the celebration of 2 holidays.  Now, point that out if you come across one of "those"!

In some Northern European cultures the season lasted for months so Happy Yuletide season .... and keep that holiday feeling as long as you want!

Reminiscences of an Old Crabby Broad

I’m going to go out on a limb …. tempting  fate …. Whatever …. I’m gonna predict we are all going to be here tomorrow and probably the next day and the day after that and after that and after that …….. 

In my lifetime I have now lived through 5 or 6 dooms days ……..  Let’s see ….

The first was when I was about 12 and my neighbor said she heard from some psychic there was going to be a Zombie apocalypse in 1977 …. We would all be eaten alive in a “Night of the Living Dead” scenario.

Then there was the Nostradamus 1984 prediction that a worldwide nuclear war would annihilate human kind  but …. Oooops ....... it was interpreted incorrectly! The interpreters meant to say 1997. Only the Heaven’s Gate cult took them seriously this time. We know how that went. 

Let’s not forget the Y2K …. Not sure what was going to happen to us then …. Was it our own machines would destroy us because 2000 = "kill humans" in binary code?

Then there was the far-right Christian preacher Wacko ...... they let on the radio ..... who insisted about a year ago that the Book of Revelations prophesied the end. I'm guessing his loving, compassionate, merciful God was going to punish innocent people just to get the evil doers. 

Right now as I type the planets are aligning causing a magnetic shift to the earth's axis where tsunamis will rise, mega-super volcanoes fill with lava ready to explode, earthquake faults shifting, the sun flaring   ……………………………………………………….........….  NOPE  …..  still here!

CAN'T WE POSTPONE ONE OF THEM TILL THE NEXT WEEK?

This is me about now.....

ME + CHRISTMAS +THE END OF THE WORLD ....

'NUFF SAID

THERE ARE 11 OTHER DAYS OF CHRISTMAS YOU KNOW ....

GOO doesn't see what geese have to do with Christmas. He says our goose Christmas decoration is hideous and ridiculous looking.  For the past 2 weeks he has been making it clear he wants me to get rid of my goose display (see left). As a matter of fact there have been threats that there is a "while I'm work" goose-napping about to go down !!!

Today while daughters were standing at the end of the driveway waiting for GOO to pull the car down for them to get in, a car pulls over in front of our house. The lady inside rolled down the window and said to daughters "Excuse me .... Can I ask WHERE did you get that BEAUTIFUL duck" . Half chuckling, oldest told her that I got it online somewhere and that it was a decoy. "Oh" she said, " I have to check into that!" 

When daughters got into car, GOO inquired as to what the lady wanted. They gleefully told him she wanted to know where she could get such a beautiful DUCK! Of course, now that I know the neighborhood is admiring my "DUCK" .... there is no living with me! However, I'm not so sure I want everyone to get one! GOO can only chase away so many!

IRRITATING CRAP MY HUSBAND DOES ... or the man who doesn't know the words to the "Twevle Days of Christmas" ... a working title

My husband  …. God Of Organization …… does nothing when it comes to putting up the Christmas decorations. It is all on me, even the outside lights ……. every other husband’s territory! Oh he will give his opinions ….. not enough lights on that side of the yard …… that looks stupid ….. I don’t like all white lights ….. is that all the lights you are putting up/ have? I tell him every year those who do not help with the decorations HAVE NO OPINION on what goes up …. The "putter-upper" is the decider.

We have a flat landscaped area in our yard that I use for main displays. In past years it has had giant candy canes, a lighted tree .... okay it was lights I strung up to look like a tree .... and lighted grapevine shaped gifts stacked with a bow. The recent gift display always blew over and were a pain in the ass to put together. I decided to donated them to Goodwill ….. I know how generous of me.  Now I had that empty place in the yard and went shopping for a new lighted display.

I hate those blow-up things so, once you eliminate those there isn’t much left out there. My preferred tastes are kind of more “Williamsburg”-ie. I was looking for "1776" and tasteful. Of course,  there is the lighted deer, Eiffel Tower … yes nothing says Christmas like a random French structure …. Snowmen and snowflakes. Then I saw these lighted geese …. Oh I didn’t buy them …… a little more comical than Colonial ….. but it gave me idea as I left the store humming “six geese a laying” …..

I went home to start my search for more real-life looking geese. When I got to my computer I Google’d “lifesize goose decoration” …... up popped DECOYS!!!! I could buy them sitting, standing, eating and of course laying! I ordered one that had detachable feet to stand or lay …. Perfect!

It arrived by FedEX about four days later. Goo thinking it maybe his Christmas present restrained himself from opening the box and announced to me when I got home from work that I had a delivery he left in the basement. Since I did not want any un-necessary comments on my new found prized decoration, I waited till Goo went upstairs to watch TV in bed. When I got my goose decoy out of the box, I was so excited I put him …. I assumed it’s a him … outside in the landscape with a spotlight under the cover of darkness.  I figured I would find a bow to put around his neck and some lighted branch accessories tomorrow.

The next day at work I got a text message from GOO ….. “Where did that goose come from?”. I responded that it was the item in the FedEX delivery. To which he responded ……. “Well, I thought it was REAL and I tried to chase it out of the yard! When it wouldn't move I got closer to it and saw it was fake! “   My co-workers heard shrieks of laughter coming from my office and I filled them in. However, after that no work was accomplished that day. 

The moral of this GOO Christmas tale is:  

GEESE NEED TO DO THEIR A-LAYING SOMEWHERE ELSE!